Today marks one whole decade since I lost a very important, very loved, family member. My grandma, Rose marie, was called to Heaven on August 31, 1997. I remember the day so vividly. Like it was just yesterday. I was sitting in a chair, in front of my grandma's hospital bed, watching my mom whisper her final goodbyes in to her ear. Mom knew the time had come for Grandma to leave this earth. Mom knew God was calling her name. Mom knew she was holding on, just a little longer. Long enough to hear those final "I love you's". And as I sat there, braiding a barbie dolls hair, I watched my Grandma take her final breath. I was so angry. So devistated. I was only 12 years old and I had just witnessed death for the first time. I was so confused. How could this be? How could she be gone? How could she never come back? How could it be that I would never hear her sweet voice again? Why her? Why? I started to pray and ask God what I was supposed to do with out her in my life. It didn't seem fair. God told me all would be ok. He told me that I could talk to my grandma anytime I wanted to, through prayer. But it still did not ease the pain. The reality. I had problems coming to grip with the terms "forever" and "eternal". I suddenly began to fear that every person I loved would die. I suddenly beagn to fear I would die.
Ten years. How could it already be that long? It feels like it was just yesterday that my Grandma would sneak us goodies before dinner time. I close my eyes and I can still her her calling me "skinny minny" while tickling me until I almost peed. Oh, how I long for her to still be alive. How I long for her to tickle my little girl. How I long for her advice. Why does it hurt just as much today as it did ten years ago? I've heard 'Time heals all wounds'. Why has this wound not been healed?
My husband and I took our two children to my Grandmas grave on Tuesday. Our daughter, Gaby, asked where we were and why mommy was crying. It was so difficult to explain why mommy was so sad. She began asking so many questions about death and Heaven. It was all a little over whelming. She was a bit confused. We were trying to keep the answers simple, since she is only 4, but keep them true at the same time. She asked if she too would be put in the ground. Daddy and I told her 'not for a very, very, very long time'. At that point, all I could do is pray to God that he keep my babies healthy. I think I have realized that I still have not come to terms with death and dying. Losing my Grandma at such a young age, has instilled these fears into my mind.
Before we left the cemetary, my husband gave me a few minutes to be alone at her grave. So I sat on the ground, next to her grave and I began weeping. As I wept, I talked to her, how I did right after she left this Earth. I asked her if she saw how big Gaby and Jon were getting. I told her the wonderful news that Jon was potty trained and Gaby learned to ride a bike last week. I told her that Gaby has her personality. I told her that I am a successful business woman, just how she always told me I would be. As I was sitting there, weeping, a soft breeze began to blow. As if she was there with me. I closed my eyes and as the breeze blew past me, I could almost hear her beautiful voice whisper in my ear. As the warm summer breeze blew on my skin, I could feel her embrace, her love. I felt her there with me.
The song playing is a song my mom said Grandma would quietly sing to me as she'd rub the bridge of my nose, to help me fall asleep. It's a song that I now have a strong emotional connection to.
This was the sunsetabove her grave on Tuesday. I was so breath taking.
I love you Grandma!
